


Penumbra

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [5]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Depression, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 07:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2183133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Calum remembers kissing Michael again - fierce but gentle - and he remembers the love blazing in the confines of his chest like an open flame, like a Phoenix in a bird cage.'</p><p>
  <b>Michael feels hopeless and Calum shows him the light.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Penumbra

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry, guys. I just watched Kill Your Darlings so I'm feeling emotional right now. You have been warned. (I'm still crying.)  
> Oh my god listen to Mikey's demo vocal of "She Looks So Perfect", "Heartache On The Big Screen" and "The Only Reason" because I just did and I'm still crying.

**penumbra  
**

_a half-shadow, the edge of a shadow._

 

Calum Hood remembers when Michael Clifford was whole.

He remembers what Michael was like when they were little, the way Michael's bright laughter and golden hair lit up the classroom. He remembers how all of the teachers _loved_ Michael even though he was _really_ naughty and how all of the other little children wanted to be his best friend.

Calum remembers how Michael chose him instead.

He remembers how they watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on Saturdays when they were younger, and how they ate candy floss from the arcade on the way home from school even though they weren't really allowed. Calum remembers how they had sleepovers _every_ Friday and Saturday night, and how they grew closer every single time.

Calum remembers when the trouble started.

He remembers how they'd been playing outside and holding hands a bit as they walked around and chatted about what they wanted for their next birthday when one of the scary boys from the year above started to jeer at them. Calum remembers how he called them a whole bunch of names that neither of them understood at the time, and he remembers how the boy and his friends pushed Calum and Michael to the ground as they shouted abuse.

Calum remembers when the boys _spat_ on them.

To this day, Calum _still_ doesn't understand why they did what they did. (Privately, he doesn't think he ever will.)

Calum remembers how that was the beginning of the end, and how Michael became a mere shadow of his former self. A _waif_ , almost, that drifted about with sad, vacant eyes and a still heart. 

Calum remembers how Michael started to be closed off, how he wouldn't hold Calum's hand at school anymore or share his bed when he slept over at Calum's. (The first night Michael refused his offer and opted to sleep on the mattress on the floor, Calum silently cried himself to sleep.)

Calum remembers how the other children stopped wanting to be Michael's friend.

He remembers how it took him a very long time to even _comprehend_ the fact that people discriminated against others just because of who they liked to hold hands with. Calum remembers wanting to hold Michael's hand anyway, and he remembers the way Michael's hand twitched like he desperately wanted to hold Calum's hand too.

Calum remembers how Michael couldn't let himself.

He remembers how the other children got bored of calling Calum and Michael ' _gay_ ' when the bullies eventually got bored of targeting kids who never fought back or rose to the bait. (Calum remembers silently screaming profanities back at them. He also remembers fighting to hold them in so that Michael wouldn't get hurt because of Calum's stupid fat mouth.)

Finally, by secondary school, no one even _remembered_ Michael and Calum, and they were just two more faces walking past in the corridors everyday. Calum remembers how a whole lot of same-sex relationships were actually _accepted_ there. He remembers broaching the subject hesitantly to Michael one afternoon after PE.

Calum remembers Michael not talking to him for three weeks.

He remembers thinking that it was because Michael _hated_ him, was disgusted by him, because Calum had read the signs wrong all those years ago (and was apparently still misinterpreting Michael's smouldering looks and lingering touches now.)

Calum remembers when he realised that Michael had retreated into himself because he was depressed and _not_ because he suddenly hated his only real friend, a best friend who had stuck with Michael through thick and thin... a best friend who was in _love_ with him, damnit!

Calum remembers wishing Michael knew.

But he remembers deciding that he would fix Michael first, before he selfishly considered his _own_ feelings. (Those years were hard and the thin, pale scars on the inside of Calum's wrists and thighs showed how the younger boy had paid the price. Calum remembers how Michael kissed the scars that marred the skin there when Calum confessed to him years later. Calum remembers how he cried. He remembers how he did the same for Michael.)

Calum remembers how he caught Michael with a bottle of sleeping pills in his hand one night. Calum remembers the tears running down their faces as they cried together. He remembers how - for the first time in almost _ten_ years - Michael shakily grasped Calum's hand in his own.

Calum remembers how the sobs that overcame him felt like they were tearing him in half, and he remembers crumpling onto the floor of Michael's bedroom as the older boy slumped down into his arms, the unopened bottle of sleeping pills rolling harmlessly away to settle against the foot of his bed.

"You've been drinking," Calum remembers whispering when he spied an empty bottle lying innocently nearby because Calum didn't even know how to _begin_ to address what had just almost happened. Michael had offered no comment and Calum remembers pressing a firm kiss to Michael's sweaty forehead as he tried to order his thoughts. (Calum remembers the broken whimper that escaped Michael at such a gentle action.)

Calum remembers how silent the bedroom was as the utter _enormity_ of Michael trying to take his own life slowly began to sink in.

"Thank god," Calum remembers choking out, clutching Michael to him tightly and burying his face in the older boy's neck, breathing in the familiar scent (distorted by alcohol) and fighting not to cry. "Thank god, thank god, thank god."

Calum remembers how Michael stiffened, even as he leant further back into Calum's embrace. Calum remembers the soft sigh that escaped Michael and the way he breathed out: "I'm supposed to be dead right now."

Calum remembers the way he stiffened at those words, the way the ice drifted through his veins, freezing his blood, as he fought to listen to Michael over the thundering of his blood.

"What stopped you?" Calum remembers whispering, quickly hurrying to correct himself when he realised how _bad_ that sounded. "Not that I'm not grateful - because  _fuck_ , Mikey, I couldn't stand the thought of you... of you... - but... What happened?"

Calum remembers how he wasn't sure if that had accurately summed up his feelings but Michael had relaxed a little further and let his head loll back onto Calum's shoulder. He remembers how, in the semi-darkness, he could just make out the faint emerald gleam of Michael's tear-filled eyes if he squinted.

"You texted me," Michael choked out. "Said you... said you couldn't wait for school to be over so that we could go on... on that road trip we've been planning..." Calum remembers how Michael's voice trailed away as Calum held him tighter, and how suddenly the older boy broke down further even as, somehow, his voice became steadier.

"I had no intention of going on that trip," Michael had whispered as Calum held him in stunned silence. "I was never intending to make it _this_ long but... Every time I got close to... to ending things, Cal, you'd do something else to make me stay."

"Like what?" Calum remembers whispering and he felt the watery smile that spread across Michael's lips rather than saw it because the older boy had turned over now so that his face was pressed against Calum's collarbone.

"You send me stupid photos of puppies and kittens, and of whatever chocolate pudding your mum's given you that day. You tell me shitty jokes with no punchline, and you send me snapchats when you're bored or you can't sleep. Calum, you're an absolutely _gigantic_ idiot of truly _epic_ proportions but... But I couldn't have gone on without you."

Calum remembers how there was a moment of stunned silence and then Michael leant a little closer, his nose almost brushing Calum's.

Calum remembers how Michael's next words broke his best friend's fucking _heart_. 

"I know you... you _love_ me, Cal. Think you always _have_. But... But you _must_ see that... that this can't work. I... You're perfect and brilliant and... And you're worth about ten _billion_ of me, Cal. There are so many _amazing_ people out there for you to fall in love with and... and I can't compete with that. And I'd be a fool to even _try_."

Calum remembers how he felt the distinct tearing of his heart ripping itself in two.

"Please don't ever think that you're not worth... God, Mikey, you're... You're worth more than the whole _world_ and I'd stay with you forever in an _instant_ if I thought that was what _you_ wanted too."

(Calum still remembers how Michael's eyes widened at the word ' _too_ ' and he thinks it might make his heart hurt forever. (He's not wrong).)

"You don't mean that," Michael had whispered uncertainly as he stared up at Calum in shock, but the widening of his eyes hinted that maybe he was slowly starting to believe it... _Maybe_.

Calum remembers how he thought for a moment and lightly pressed his lips against Michael's, the movement short and fleeting. He remembers the desperate gasp that escaped Michael and the way his mouth opened for Calum, and Calum remembers the faint taste of whiskey and what might have been mint on Michael's tongue, and Calum thinks he'll remember that moment forever.

(Spoiler alert: He does.)

"Why'd you try to take yourself away from me, Mikey?" Calum remembers whispering and Michael had frozen in his arms again, his cheek resting against Calum's chest.

Calum remembers how Michael was quiet for _so_ long, he thought he'd never get an answer. Calum remembers how Michael proved him wrong again, just like he always did.

Calum remembers how everything Michael said that evening stung because of the raw _pain_ in his voice. (Calum silently vowed to replace the pain with love, whatever the cost. (He's still working on it now, and he knows he'll never give up).)

"Because nothing ever changes, Cal, no matter how hard I try... and I know it'll never be okay again."

Calum remembers kissing Michael again - fierce but gentle - and he remembers the love blazing in the confines of his chest like an open flame, like a Phoenix in a bird cage.

"I say it _will_ be," Calum remembers how he disagreed, fighting to keep his emotions under control as Michael calmed further at his words. "I say you're going to be just  _fine_ , Mikey, even if it takes years." Calum remembers how Michael frowned at that and Calum kissed the worried expression away.

"It doesn't matter if it does," he remembers promising softly. "We've got time. "

Calum remembers the joy he felt when Michael stretched up to kiss him back, followed by the pain when the older boy abruptly pulled away, his beautiful green eyes wide and scared.

"People might talk," Calum remembers Michael whispering like he was admitting a great secret.

Calum also remembers the three words he said back to him next because Michael repeated them softly afterwards, his expression vaguely awestruck as he stared at his best friend with so much undisguised _love_ that it made Calum's heart simultaneously ache and soar.

"Let them talk."

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like it would be a little early for poor Mikey to deal with confessing love yet but.... Rest assured that definitely happened afterwards....  
> I hope you enjoyed this though!  
> Thank you so much for reading, and please remember to leave comments and kudos!  
> To reiterate, thank you and I apologise for the angst!  
> Also undercoverreader suggested that "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5 went really well with this fic, while Ship_theboybands said 5SOS’ cover of Blink-182’s “I Miss You” so... yeah... you might wanna listen to that while you read it.  
> Thank you! :)


End file.
